No one likes to admit it, but self-sabotage is something that many of us do to some degree. Most people can think of a time when they’ve done something that’s taken them backwards instead of towards a goal. It’s a counter-productive action that often, upon reflection, leaves you wondering why you did it.
Self-sabotage is also known as behavioural dysregulation. By engaging in such behaviours, we can physically, mentally, and emotionally hamper or harm our success and well-being. The level of awareness of self-sabotage varies from consciously to unconsciously sabotaging oneself. For example, eating cake when we’re on a diet is a conscious decision. Whereas, procrastinating and consequently running out of time to study might be more of an unconscious decision. Either way, it can be destructive and derail aspects of life, including relationships. It can also negatively impact our mental health, lower our self-esteem and leave us feeling incompetent, sad, anxious and demotivated.
Why do we Self-Sabotage?
Even when there’s a conscious part of self-sabotage, it’s still not something that we intentionally set out to do. Self-sabotage is rooted in counterproductive mindsets that often result in lower self-esteem and fuelling fears of success or failure. Negative thought patterns lead to self-sabotaging actions or inactions.
5 Possible Causes
- Approach-avoidance conflict: Occurs when the fear of failure or a threat exceeds the desire and drive to reach a goal. For example, not changing a habit or routine that’s comfortable but doesn’t maximise productivity.
- Learnt Behaviour: Imitating childhood models, like caregivers, and their patterns of sabotaging behaviour.
- Dysfunctional Relationships: Significant relationships that weaken self-esteem by being unsupportive or are constantly verbally undermining or abusive.
- Trauma: Negative or traumatic experiences can result in feelings of not deserving good things in life or to achieve.
- Maladaptive behaviour: Surviving challenges can mean adopting a behaviour that if continued after a challenge has passed becomes destructive.
Another common cause of self-destructive behaviour is feeling conflicted. This is called cognitive dissonance. It usually happens when there is an inconsistency between one’s beliefs and actions. A fear of missing out on something or of disappointing someone can lead to cognitive dissonance. It can take the form of feeling uncomfortable before making an end decision or doing something. Afterwards, you might feel like you need to justify the decision or action. Alternatively, want to hide it because you feel embarrassed or regret what you’ve done. For example, you believe in healthy eating but regularly buy fast food.
How to know if You are Self-Sabotaging
There are numerous signs that you’re engaging in self-sabotage. Many of them are things that everyone does from time to time. However, the distinction between normal and self-sabotage is the frequency or pattern of a behaviour. For example, it’s normal to have days where you run from pillar to post, and life feels like it’s out of control. But when your norm is being in a constant state of chaos, then it could be a sign that more is going on than just life. And that you’re stuck in a negative and self-destructive cycle.
8 Signs of Self-Sabotage
- Perfectionism: You’re unreasonably hard on yourself, focus on your mistakes or replay the past looking for what you did wrong.
- Pessimism: Look for and focus on the flaws or negative parts and expect the worst in situations or from others and yourself.
- Procrastination: Waiting until the last minute to prepare for something or tackle a task.
- Disorganised: Chaos is your normal, you have clutter around you and never feel like you are on top of things.
- Constantly Fearful: Feeling paralysed by fear, either from the thought of failure or of succeeding or having to make changes.
- Feel like a Phony: You doubt your abilities, are unable to accept your success, feel like a fraud and worry that others will discover your perceived weaknesses (also known as imposter syndrome).
- Over Committed: Unable to say no and take on lots more than you can handle.
- Burnt Out: Feel like you’re constantly trudging through concrete and not getting anywhere. Have physical illnesses or aches that just appear or feel constantly drained.
How to Quit Self-Sabotaging
Researchers found that often people self-sabotage when they have peak cognitive capacity not when they’re tired. This means that it takes a lot of energy and work to continue a destructive behaviour and makes self-sabotaging time-consuming. However, the good news is that changing destructive behaviours can result in feeling more energised, and less stressed and life is all-round easier.
To stop self-sabotaging, you need to first become aware that the behaviour is self-defeating and then replace your destructive behaviour with a behaviour more conducive to success. This means discovering why you’re engaging in self-sabotage. Thus, looking introspectively with a very honest lens to help you identify toxic thoughts and their origins. You will also need to identify what emotions you’re trying to pacify. During this process, you will need to ask yourself “What’s really going on?” It’s therefore also helpful to assess your mental well-being and look at ways to enhance your mental health.
It can be difficult but is not impossible to change self-sabotaging behaviours. When you’ve identified what behaviours and thought patterns need to be replaced and what new thoughts and behaviours you will replace them with, set incremental goals. This enables you to make small manageable and viable changes. By taking bit-size actions you’re less likely to feel overwhelmed or derail yourself and thereby overcome your destructive patterns.