We often don’t talk about the loss of a sibling. We may focus more on helping parents who have lost a child cope and less so on how siblings are coming to terms with their loss. Changing family dynamics can also put pressure on siblings to become caretakers, look after their parents and put their grief on the back burner.
While no grief is easy, the loss of a sibling that isn’t talked about or addressed is a type of disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is so named because it doesn’t always get the attention it deserves, which can lead to poor mental health on the part of the person grieving if they don’t receive proper support.
If you are struggling with losing a sibling, here are five ways to help you cope.
1. Acknowledge your grief
It can feel challenging to claim your right to grieve when there are so many people struggling around you. For example, if you are a sibling needing to care for a grieving mother, it can feel like your pain is less of a priority. However, it’s essential to acknowledge the weight of your grief and know that what you are feeling and experiencing is valid.
To raise awareness about sibling grief, Annie Sklaver Orenstein wrote a book about losing a brother called Always a Sibling. In an NPR podcast, she discusses how sharing your grief, or even just crying while others listen, can allow you to acknowledge your feelings. Sometimes, verbalising our emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when we are still in shock. In this case, talking to a therapist is helpful.
2. Take care of yourself
Amid grief, shock, and feelings of emotional instability, it can feel impossible to take care of ourselves, especially if we are just trying to get through the day. However, maintaining our physical health is imperative, as grief can be very physically and emotionally draining.
If we are experiencing disenfranchised grief and don’t feel like we can claim our right to grieve, we may suppress our emotions for the benefit of others. However, this can lead to poor mental and physical health, including sleep disturbances and lack of appetite.
Building a routine when you feel emotionally overwhelmed can feel impossible, but going for a walk and doing other activities you enjoy can be beneficial. Sleeping and eating well will also contribute to better mental and physical health.
3. Find ways to process your grief
Seeking professional support is critical if you are struggling to cope. If you are experiencing immense feelings of sadness, you may be experiencing what is known as complicated grief or persistent complex bereavement disorder. In this case, seeking help from a qualified mental health practitioner is essential.
Other supportive ways exist to process grief. Sklaver Orenstein shares that journalling helped her “get her feelings out of her head and into the world.” Writing about feelings on paper can be very therapeutic, but many other modalities, including art and music, can also serve as a vehicle for emotional expression.
4. Stay connected to your sibling
Building rituals and carving out space to remember and talk about your sibling can be very helpful in dealing with grief. Sharing memories can help you honour them, no matter how complicated your relationship.
It might sound silly, but talking to your sibling in your head can help you to maintain your connection with them. Remembering our siblings can be very healing, even long after their passing.
The day they passed away and their birthday may be particularly painful, but carrying out a ritual on these days can help. These rituals can include eating at their favourite restaurants, engaging in their favourite activities, or listening to their favourite music.
5. Get the support you need
The loss of a sibling is a complicated and painful experience that isn’t the same for everyone. Whether you’re an adult or a child, this experience will change your life forever, and it’s vital to seek out and receive the support you need to cope. Complicated emotions like guilt can also arise, so forgiving ourselves for things said or unsaid or any regrets or time wasted in the relationship is essential.
Children who have lost a sibling may benefit from play therapy and other modalities that can help them verbalise complicated feelings. As an adult, you can also benefit from asking people for what you need, even though this can feel difficult. In the abovementioned podcast, Sklaver Orenstein shares that a grieving person often just needs someone to check in and ask how they are doing.
Learn more about grief and loss
We need to learn more about grief and loss so that we can better support others who are experiencing disenfranchised grief, especially if you are a counsellor or mental health professional.
To learn more about grief and loss, register for one of our related micro-credential courses:
- Dealing with Grief and Loss: This short online course is for anyone experiencing grief and loss and/or wanting to support others who are going through the same experience.
- Introduction to Grief and Loss Counselling: This comprehensive offering is for someone who wants to add the context of grief and loss to their counselling toolkit.
Browse our course list to learn more about our related mental health and applied psychology courses.